I finally took a personal day off. It was 2014 and my son and I were getting ready to go to Grandmas for the weekend. He asked, “Mommy, why do you have that big bruise?” I stuttered, trying to find a way to conceal the truth but never to lie to my son. “I just had a little needle. It will be fine.”
He fainted.
“Now what?!” I thought, panicked but so very weary that week
Off we went to Emergency.
My report to the doctor included an articulate summary of my son’s neonatal encephalitis, his otherwise unremarkable medical record, and the looming fear of undiagnosed autism. After a thorough check of all his vitals, he asked my son “How were you feeling when this happened?” My son shrugged, “Scared?” The doctor looked at me.
I stuttered again, as I matter-of-factly stated the cold hard facts of that week:
“He saw the bruise from my breast biopsy earlier this week. I have been trying really hard to conceal it – even from my husband – but I guess he saw while I was getting dressed. We are going to Grandma’s for the weekend.
“Right, Bud?!” I added cheerfully.
“I’ve had some medical appointments with her this past week, and she was just admitted to palliative care yesterday. She has terminal cancer. We found out last week.”
“Oh!” the doctor said, gently. Then turning to my son: “That’s a lot.”
In that moment I felt faint myself. I noticed just how pale my son was. He nodded, his eyes wide, welling up with tears. At age 6, he understood when things weren’t right, and he worried because he had no way to sort through his feelings alone.
The doctor turned to me: “That’s a lot! Just this is a lot.”
It was a lot.
And in trying to shoulder the burden alone, to “stay positive” and to “soldier on”, I failed to notice that the people who love me were feeling it too.
This is my plea to everyone this message touches:
Whatever your stresses, you do not need to suffer through them alone.
In fact it is unlikely that you are suffering alone – others do notice that you are hurting; they want to support you and they need your support too. “Your problems” are rarely yours alone. We humans are social creatures and we need others to hold us up from time to time so we can do our part for humanity.
So do it today: choose to look after yourself by leaning – just a little – on your spouse, family, friends, trusted colleagues, or mental health professionals in your own community. Set aside the “I’ll be fine” and let yourself be worried or fearful or sad or angry. Take a breath and have a tender vulnerable moment.
My Mom passed away just 2 weeks later. “I cried the most”, my son said the day of her funeral, as he felt he loved her the most. The breast biopsy turned out to be nothing, and 8 years later we are fine. But we are fine together, not alone.
